Heimat Berlin #38

I found a home

I always felt some sort of out of place. Now I undrstand why, because this feels like home. Ofcourse I miss the people I love, I am 666 KM away from my original home. But this feels like home, I am no longer an outcast, eventhough it never really botherd me, it still feels better to know you belong somewhere, instead of always feeling as an outcast and observe the people around you.
As an outcast you have a good overview, but it feels peaceful when you don't need to be that aware of yourself and your surrounding. And I have some wonderful friends, where I didn't need to be that aware of myself, but everything is different here.
I blend in with the huge amount of human beings, I still have that feeling of standing out sometimes, but it's accepted to stand out here. It is fine to be who you are. In my hometown most of the people think they know you trough your stories, most of them judge you on the stories they hear for others.
Here are no stories, here your name is just a name, nothing more nothing less. people don't care about your past, people won't judge you on stories that they heard because it doesn't bother them.
This city is beautiful, the people who live here are beautiful. My appartment is beautiful, my internship is wonderfull and I am learning so much. I found the place where I am supposed to be.

I know I will be torned apart between the people I love, and the city I love with all the oppurtunities I need to reach my goal. I will take my time and see what the time brings me.
I am here now and all is good.

X. Lauren


Snow and blood #37

Didn't know what I was made of 

Since a few years I haven't liked the december month.  
Every year there will be something unpleasant about these dark days.
Believe me when I say I tried, but some things are not in reach. 
The week before the vacation I've worked so damn hard I already felt I needed to be sick. 
Yes I needed to because my body was done with the late nights and early mornings, but yet I had to finish my project. 
And the last friday of the school year after the Christmas breakfast ( I tried to dress up in a dress I've never worn before) I broke down. I could't hold it in anymore, I needed someone, I needed something. But nothing would answer, I couldn't stop crying and got on the train. 
It was awful and I already felt it coming.
Even though I was trough I grabbed my bike and went to night-animals, a small party in my hometown, I needed to dance and I needed to lose the stress and I needed to forget him. 
I woke up the day after, felt the same so that night I did the same thing. Again alone at night, again totally fucked up. I could't sleep there were too many things on my mind. I lost it big time since months. 
The days were passing and I was out of contact with my feelings, my body, myself and the world. 
I was stuck for a while, but I don't want to start 2015 crying again. Yesterday late at night I wrote a poem, a poem about what I was about to do today and where I want to be in a few days, months or years. I promised myself and I trust myself when it comes to promises.
I've tasted the fresh snow, I danced and I sang for myself. 
took a long shower dressed up and choose my new years eve outfit. 
I made pictures and I've been filming.
And the best part of it all I've started to clean up the mess I made. 
I'm trying to forget you and to be honest it is going pretty well. 
I will sleep well again tonight and call my best friends tomorrow. 
I will be looking for a home in Berlin. I'll be there in a few weeks and I will finally get the change of scenery I need. And by then, you won't be important anymore. It doesn't matter anymore that we never finished us, because I'll be starting a new life. 
I'm sorry if you read this but you probably won't because you never seemed to care.
And I'm sorry if I made mistakes in my text, but I'm tired and I write what I feel. I feel no pressure to read it over once again.

I found out I was made of snow and blood.
My Skin as white as the snow, my lips as red as the blood that flows trough it. 
And my hair was as dark and as wild as the night. 
I found out I will never need you to tell me that. I will be able to love myself. 
Everyone should be able to love their selves. No one should and could love you more than yourself. 

Allow yourself to lose you and everything you own. 
Accept the tears that will flow.
And push yourself to get back up. 

This is what I'll be wearing with new years eve. 
Black always makes me feel better. 
I promise myself I will start 2015 beautifully.
I promise myself 2015 will be beautiful. 
With all my highs and lows. 



I'll go home, Amsterdam. #36

An absorbing state

Tired and confused. The world is moving fast around you. 
So I'll be absorbing everything around me. 
Sucking al those images into my camera.
All those different faces. 

Hangover from last night. Brain goes blank. 
And you feel ashamed, because you know you looked like a fool. 
people you barely know saw you in your most crazy way. 
But you still feel okay. 
Because I don't know the difference between sad and happy anymore. 
The only feeling I can remember is melancholy. 
But that's okay. 

Made this messed up girl.
With my messed up head.
Made this one on a wall. 
I believe my girls represent a part of me.