"Ich suche meine heimat" #39

Did I found a home?

Berlin is my city, I can't come up with another city where I feel more at home.
I love my family and friends, I don't know anyone where I feel more at home.
So I got split up between my city and the people I love and trust. After a few weeks a quote from the movie Into The Wild popped into my head: "HAPPINESS IS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED'
I was confused, but like I always did I followed my guts. So I went home after 2 months.
The last weeks that I was in Berlin I started overthinking everything. I started doubting everything.
But that is okay, never be too sure of yourself otherwise you'll never learn new things.

2 weeks before I left to Berlin I decided to go, I found an apartment 8 days before I left. (I call it an apartment because it didn't feel like home)
I started my internship at KALTBLUT Magazine and that was amazing. I love the people who work for KALTBLUT and I loved all the opportunities I've got. And I can call myself a lucky one because now I am back in Holland I may still work for KALTBLUT.
I want to thank Marcel, he was my best friend in Berlin and he helped me a lot. He trusted and supported me. He is an amazing human being!
So my internship wasn't the problem, I was rather at the office than at home!

But like I said, my apartment didn't feel like home. But I needed a home, I needed a place to get my rest, to get my emotions back in line. I needed a place to get myself together. But actually that place was tearing me apart. Bad vibes all around. That makes you tired, that makes you doubt everything even more. Soon I started losing energy and courage. My selfsecurity was going downhill fast, I got dark circles and there was a constant slumbering melancholy.
I missed home from the moment my parents and sister left. I am very close to my people and I appreciate them a lot. So it was hard for me to miss them, but having one friend there and knowing my friends and family missed me too made it even harder. I wanted to watch movies with my mom, dad and sister, I wanted to go to Best Kept Secret with Eva, Natasja and Floris, I wanted to hear my friends play guitair and sing while chilling in the park, and I wanted to spend time with my lover.
But the reason why I came back early is a collection of events.
The people who are close to me know the exact reasons.

But all is good now, I've met beautiful people, I got an amazing job at KALTBLUT, and I learned a lot, about myself, others and my direction in life. 
I had my happy moments, I had my sad moments.
I had my lonely moments and I shared beautiful moment with my friends, family and lover that came over. 
I do not regret anything. 

In March I came home for a week, After that, things happend in some sort of blur and I still havn't figured out how long I stayed in Berlin after that week at home. I know it felt like a months but I know it wasn't, I also don't know what happend in the last weeks, I know I shut off from almost everyone, I only spoke with my mom. It's weird how strong a human can be, without even being busy with "staying strong". I wasn't very conscious those days after I got back in Berlin, my body was tired and sick, but still kept on going, no matter how awful you'll feel, your legs will keep on walking, and your mind won't forget to eat sleep and repeat.
I only remember the actual last week very well. Because so many of my friends came to visit me. At first Paul and Robin. After 2 days of hitchhiking arrived Tessa and Rens and after 3 days Sam and Sjoerd arrived. They supported me so much and I enjoyed my last week very well, too bad you guys had to leave so quick after arriving. The last Thursday Sten Petersen came to my apartement and we started his project. And the next day my mom and Marieke already arrived in Berlin to pick me up. We enjoyed the beautiful weather and my last days. I was so glad to see them, I would be finally going home. When I came home I collapsed, because I didn't give myself the time to process anything. Everything got better quickly, eventhough everything still feels very surreal. I don't seem to be sure of what's real or a dream. That feels like youre going mad. I also sleep awful, I have a lot of nightmare's and my mom told me I talk a lot in my sleep. Saying things like: "But it isn't that hard to walk to the supermarket right?". So I know everything happend for real. And these bad dreams will pass soon, and I will get everything back on track. I only need to give myself some time and space. I know I will be the old me soon. I am already picking up my projects again and starting new ones.
So it will be fine.

This is the first picture of his project, photographed by Sten Petersen.

If you want to see more:



X. Lauren.

Like you maybe noticed, I am not someone who over reads the things I write here, it's pure putting my thoughts into words.
I am also considering to start writing in dutch. I know I have some international followers, tell me if you also read what I write. I love to write in dutch actually, I started falling in love with the dutch language since I started to write poetry.


Heimat Berlin #38

I found a home

I always felt some sort of out of place. Now I undrstand why, because this feels like home. Ofcourse I miss the people I love, I am 666 KM away from my original home. But this feels like home, I am no longer an outcast, eventhough it never really botherd me, it still feels better to know you belong somewhere, instead of always feeling as an outcast and observe the people around you.
As an outcast you have a good overview, but it feels peaceful when you don't need to be that aware of yourself and your surrounding. And I have some wonderful friends, where I didn't need to be that aware of myself, but everything is different here.
I blend in with the huge amount of human beings, I still have that feeling of standing out sometimes, but it's accepted to stand out here. It is fine to be who you are. In my hometown most of the people think they know you trough your stories, most of them judge you on the stories they hear for others.
Here are no stories, here your name is just a name, nothing more nothing less. people don't care about your past, people won't judge you on stories that they heard because it doesn't bother them.
This city is beautiful, the people who live here are beautiful. My appartment is beautiful, my internship is wonderfull and I am learning so much. I found the place where I am supposed to be.

I know I will be torned apart between the people I love, and the city I love with all the oppurtunities I need to reach my goal. I will take my time and see what the time brings me.
I am here now and all is good.

X. Lauren


Snow and blood #37

Didn't know what I was made of 

Since a few years I haven't liked the december month.  
Every year there will be something unpleasant about these dark days.
Believe me when I say I tried, but some things are not in reach. 
The week before the vacation I've worked so damn hard I already felt I needed to be sick. 
Yes I needed to because my body was done with the late nights and early mornings, but yet I had to finish my project. 
And the last friday of the school year after the Christmas breakfast ( I tried to dress up in a dress I've never worn before) I broke down. I could't hold it in anymore, I needed someone, I needed something. But nothing would answer, I couldn't stop crying and got on the train. 
It was awful and I already felt it coming.
Even though I was trough I grabbed my bike and went to night-animals, a small party in my hometown, I needed to dance and I needed to lose the stress and I needed to forget him. 
I woke up the day after, felt the same so that night I did the same thing. Again alone at night, again totally fucked up. I could't sleep there were too many things on my mind. I lost it big time since months. 
The days were passing and I was out of contact with my feelings, my body, myself and the world. 
I was stuck for a while, but I don't want to start 2015 crying again. Yesterday late at night I wrote a poem, a poem about what I was about to do today and where I want to be in a few days, months or years. I promised myself and I trust myself when it comes to promises.
I've tasted the fresh snow, I danced and I sang for myself. 
took a long shower dressed up and choose my new years eve outfit. 
I made pictures and I've been filming.
And the best part of it all I've started to clean up the mess I made. 
I'm trying to forget you and to be honest it is going pretty well. 
I will sleep well again tonight and call my best friends tomorrow. 
I will be looking for a home in Berlin. I'll be there in a few weeks and I will finally get the change of scenery I need. And by then, you won't be important anymore. It doesn't matter anymore that we never finished us, because I'll be starting a new life. 
I'm sorry if you read this but you probably won't because you never seemed to care.
And I'm sorry if I made mistakes in my text, but I'm tired and I write what I feel. I feel no pressure to read it over once again.

I found out I was made of snow and blood.
My Skin as white as the snow, my lips as red as the blood that flows trough it. 
And my hair was as dark and as wild as the night. 
I found out I will never need you to tell me that. I will be able to love myself. 
Everyone should be able to love their selves. No one should and could love you more than yourself. 

Allow yourself to lose you and everything you own. 
Accept the tears that will flow.
And push yourself to get back up. 

This is what I'll be wearing with new years eve. 
Black always makes me feel better. 
I promise myself I will start 2015 beautifully.
I promise myself 2015 will be beautiful. 
With all my highs and lows.