Did I found a home?Berlin is my city, I can't come up with another city where I feel more at home.
I love my family and friends, I don't know anyone where I feel more at home.
So I got split up between my city and the people I love and trust. After a few weeks a quote from the movie Into The Wild popped into my head: "HAPPINESS IS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED'
I was confused, but like I always did I followed my guts. So I went home after 2 months.
The last weeks that I was in Berlin I started overthinking everything. I started doubting everything.
But that is okay, never be too sure of yourself otherwise you'll never learn new things.
2 weeks before I left to Berlin I decided to go, I found an apartment 8 days before I left. (I call it an apartment because it didn't feel like home)
I started my internship at KALTBLUT Magazine and that was amazing. I love the people who work for KALTBLUT and I loved all the opportunities I've got. And I can call myself a lucky one because now I am back in Holland I may still work for KALTBLUT.
I want to thank Marcel, he was my best friend in Berlin and he helped me a lot. He trusted and supported me. He is an amazing human being!
So my internship wasn't the problem, I was rather at the office than at home!
But like I said, my apartment didn't feel like home. But I needed a home, I needed a place to get my rest, to get my emotions back in line. I needed a place to get myself together. But actually that place was tearing me apart. Bad vibes all around. That makes you tired, that makes you doubt everything even more. Soon I started losing energy and courage. My selfsecurity was going downhill fast, I got dark circles and there was a constant slumbering melancholy.
I missed home from the moment my parents and sister left. I am very close to my people and I appreciate them a lot. So it was hard for me to miss them, but having one friend there and knowing my friends and family missed me too made it even harder. I wanted to watch movies with my mom, dad and sister, I wanted to go to Best Kept Secret with Eva, Natasja and Floris, I wanted to hear my friends play guitair and sing while chilling in the park, and I wanted to spend time with my lover.
But the reason why I came back early is a collection of events.The people who are close to me know the exact reasons.
But all is good now, I've met beautiful people, I got an amazing job at KALTBLUT, and I learned a lot, about myself, others and my direction in life.
I had my happy moments, I had my sad moments.
I had my lonely moments and I shared beautiful moment with my friends, family and lover that came over.
I do not regret anything.
I only remember the actual last week very well. Because so many of my friends came to visit me. At first Paul and Robin. After 2 days of hitchhiking arrived Tessa and Rens and after 3 days Sam and Sjoerd arrived. They supported me so much and I enjoyed my last week very well, too bad you guys had to leave so quick after arriving. The last Thursday Sten Petersen came to my apartement and we started his project. And the next day my mom and Marieke already arrived in Berlin to pick me up. We enjoyed the beautiful weather and my last days. I was so glad to see them, I would be finally going home. When I came home I collapsed, because I didn't give myself the time to process anything. Everything got better quickly, eventhough everything still feels very surreal. I don't seem to be sure of what's real or a dream. That feels like youre going mad. I also sleep awful, I have a lot of nightmare's and my mom told me I talk a lot in my sleep. Saying things like: "But it isn't that hard to walk to the supermarket right?". So I know everything happend for real. And these bad dreams will pass soon, and I will get everything back on track. I only need to give myself some time and space. I know I will be the old me soon. I am already picking up my projects again and starting new ones.
So it will be fine.
So it will be fine.
This is the first picture of his project, photographed by Sten Petersen.
If you want to see more:
Like you maybe noticed, I am not someone who over reads the things I write here, it's pure putting my thoughts into words.
I am also considering to start writing in dutch. I know I have some international followers, tell me if you also read what I write. I love to write in dutch actually, I started falling in love with the dutch language since I started to write poetry.